The Talk

Single Parenthood is challenging in itself. Add to that all the challenges of today starting with the COVID19 Pandemic and now the racial tension which has spilled over for all the world to see. What shall we say to these things? Many of us are still reeling over what we saw and trying to deal with how we feel. So what do we say to these things? I believe we have to ask God what does he say about what we have been experiencing in this hour. 

Matthew 22:34-40 reminds us of what Jesus said. “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Jesus said to love your neighbor. Simple. 'Point.Blank.Periodt'. We are commanded not to only love them, but to love them as we love ourselves. Let's look at this closer. This means the same things you want for you, your family and your freinds, is the same thing you want for your neighbor. Your neighbor is just not the people who love in your neighborhood. Your neighbor is your fellow man. When this happens, life flows as God intented it to to. I know right about now you are saying, "In a perfect world." In a perfect world everyone would treat each other with respect. In a perfect world no one would inflict upon others they themselves wouldn't want.

I am mentioning all of this to draw the contrast between the unrest we see in the world now and what God desires.

What will we tell our children? How will we answer the hard questions?  How can we ensure we are on the right side of history. Good questions. Here is what I believe and have observed. Here is what my experences have taught me.  It has enabled me to meet challenges head on.

Have the necessary talk about race and the true history of this country with your children. Have the necessary talk about what to do and say if there is an encounter with the police to increasMost of all, have the necessary talk about how many people that look like them have over came adversities and contributed greatly to this nation.

The truth shall make us free. Never teach hate because hate destroys everything in its path.

Talk to them about love. The love of God and self. To love God is to know him and to know him is to love him. To love him is to know you are made in his image. Talk to them about acquring knowledge and maximizing every opportunity.

Talk to them about creating their own opportunity. Talk to them about loving themselves and loving others. Talk to them about them being enough just as they are. Talk to them about being being made to bend and not break. Talk to them about being a part of the solution and not the problem.

Just have the talk. 

                                                  

                                                  

My Mother's Day Prayer

My prayer is that your children will be able to live out all the days of their lives. They will be able to live out their purpose and destinies in which they were born for. They will be able to soar beyond measure and accomplish great things. My prayer is that others will be impacted by the treasure which is inside of them. My prayer is that they will touch the hearts of others as if they had been touched by God himself. My prayer is that their enemy, that devil, the serpent, the father of lies, the stealer, killer and destroyer of life, will be dealt with and be judged one day by the “Just Judge”

This is my prayer. This is my hope. As people, as humans, as parents, we must remember we have an enemy who seeks those whom he can devour. Hate eats away of the very soul of a person. It undermines the purpose that lives in every one of us. It contaminates our soul and puts a choke hold on our very hearts.

I know this blog post sounds a little heavy but it’s heavy because of recent news of yet another young black man being gunned down.  It was another senseless act of hate. Future cut short. Dreams cut short. A
future cut short. A mother’s vision for her sons’ life cut short.

Mother’s Day for Ahmaud’s mother has changed drastically. Sometimes when these things happen and how they are handled, you know what the motivation behind them is. Hate. Let me be clear. I am not saying if you do the crime you shouldn’t do the time. What I am saying is that if you do the crime, the punishment should fit it. All people should be treated with the same measure of the law. On top of that, the law states you are innocent until proven guilty. If you didn’t do any crime then what are we talking about. Exactly!

This brings me to why this Mother’s Day post may be heavier than most. As a mother with three sons who are black, I was heartbroken when news broke about the death of Ahmaud Arbury.  Ahmaud Arbery, a 25 year old who was simply taking a run and minding his own business was ambushed and killed in Georgia this past February. I know, it’s May and most of the world is just getting wind of it.

The problem with this story is it is not a unique one. That’s the problem. We have all heard and seen, time and time again of these types of incidents. Each one different while the underlining theme is the same. Hate. A black young man, or black young woman who left here too soon. Whether it was the police or someone outside the police department who commits the act. They are still gone too soon.

My prayer for mothers is that you hold your children close always warring for them in prayer. You are their first teacher so teach them well. When they decide to strike out on their own and ‘do them’ continue to cover them in prayer. When you can’t be with them day to day continue to call out their names in prayer.

If you don’t hear it often, thank you.

Thank you for all the late nights you stayed up, the homework you helped with, the open houses you visited, the school orientations, the doctor visits, the participation in extra-curriculum activities you attended, and all the fun outings. Thank you for ironing clothes, washing extra dishes, going on extra store runs, preparing meals, being a problem solver and all the ways you provided. Thank you for seeing potential in them, for speaking life into them, for being there day in and day out. Thank you for smiling when you didn’t feel like it. Thank you for loving them when they did things they shouldn’t have. Most of all thank you for loving them.

So to Ahmaud Arbery’s mom, I would just like to say my condolences and as he would have said, Happy Mother’s Day.

Parenting in a Pandemic

March is usually a time everyone begins to welcome in Spring. It is the time of year we look forward to hearing the birds sing. It is the time of year we look forward to the flowers blossoming and showing forth their beautiful colors. It is usually a time of butterflies and yes, all those other annoying insects resurface. It's also the time all students who worked hard all year long look forward to that spring break they anticipated for so long. March is usually the time we look forward to putting away all the winter blues and dim days. It is the time we look forward to the bright sunshine which signifies newness, life, shorts and flipflops. That is if you are from the South. If you are in the north, then the shorts and flipflops may have to wait a little while longer.
However, when this past March came around, we found ourselves dealing with something new. Something so foreign that everyone has been baffled by it. This March we found ourselves in a crisis of pandemic magnitude. CODVID19 had invaded our land, our lives, and our families in a way that has been unimaginable. Life as we knew it had been changed. Social Distancing, a phrase we never ever heard, has become the new norm. The images of people wearing facemask we have seen on our smartphones, laptops, computers, or television, became our image. Not to mention the hoarding of toilet tissue.
So, here we are in April and on stay at home orders all around the nation and some on lockdowns around the world. Children are at home and parents are being challenged to be the online teacher/tutor, sitter, and in-home chef and caterer. I know a Hurricane and Pandemic are quite different, but they are still similar in having to bunker down in place and being a disruptor of your norm. However, I have to say this current pandemic is nothing like we have ever seen.
So, to answer the question, you would simply parent in a pandemic. As a parent you know what is needed in your household to keep it functioning. No one like a parent is when it comes to new ways of during things and adjusting to circumstances and situations. Talk about something bigger than yourself in times of uncertainty. Implement new and better ways to do things. Most of all stay positive.

Trust in A Higher Power
Being in uncertain times leaves us asking  Why? and What? It leaves us with asking how we will navigate the crisis that has been laid at our feet. Even more importantly we struggle with how we can keep some sort of normalcy within the family at this time. For me my source has always been trusting in God and his sovereignty. In times where I needed strategies on how to overcome adversities, I sought God. There never was a time I was left destitute or hopeless. His word reassured me that my family and I would get through it and it would one day be a memory. It calmed me all while creating a space for me to serve my family in the process.

Implement New Norms
Now that your constant grind to conqueror the to-do list has been cut significantly, you have time to reset. In some cases the entire family is home. The parents and children need to keep some sort of normalcy.  What does that look like? There should be a routine to your day. There are some parents who must work from home while others being essential workers must leave for work while the kids are at home all day. I will say that again. (all day) Things can get pretty hectic. Parents can implement new norms like meals together, detaching from all technology to engage in other games that require full attention and participation. Family time discussions about the crisis and how to stay productive during it. Introduce or add to your child’s curriculum new lessons. Lessons about health and nutrition, business, finance the arts and ways to give back.

Speak Positivity and Affirmations
During a time when what we know as the norm has been interrupted in such a way where we are unsure about tomorrow, a sure word is needed. For me that sure word has always been the word of God. Speaking affirmations and speaking positively during this time will also help to take some of the focus off the reality that is happening around the world and in the news. It is important to protect the mental state of the family so that they will emerge from this stronger with a sense of purpose.  Parenting in a pandemic is simply just parenting. It’s knowing there is help outside of yourself. It’s being creative with activities and organizing your day to better serve the family. It is discussing the effects of what is going on in a limited way but making sure peace and joy is the order of the day. Maximize opportunities to do some of the things your normal life did not afford you.

The Juggling Act

As single moms, the juggling act is all so real. As one person you are expected to accomplish what was designed for two people to do. It took two people to produce a child and if you come into single parenthood, you have now become one person scrambling to make up the difference.  Challenging? Yeah! To the highest power. Impossible? Absolutely not! There are millions of single mothers out there making it happen every day. Can it be tiring? Yes it can. At the end of the day can it be rewarding? You bet!

I am a mother of three amazing young men. You can say I am bias. I will take that. Each one of them required my attention. I have to say it wasn’t as if they were in a million school and extra curriculum activities. Just them being kids and everything that came with that was plenty. There was attention needed at school. Attention needed at church. Attention needed at home. Attention needed for extra curriculum activities. Attention for multiple events which would make them well rounded individuals. Attention needed for family interactions which involved them.  It was all of this times three.

Plus, throw in everything else I had going on for myself. I was very active in ministry and church activities. So were they. For me, it was very important for them to have that foundation. Add a job and all its demands which comes with it and now you have a life on turbo speed. Attention, attention, attention.  Juggle, Juggle, Juggle. The Juggle was different at different stages of my children’s life but it was still very much a juggle.

I haven’t even mentioned housekeeping, shopping, situations with the car, doctor visits, etc., etc., etc. Needless to say the struggle, I mean juggle is real.

Juggling Solutions

My children are all grown up now. I have been there done that. I may not know everything but I know as they say, “A little Sum Sum.”

First you have to learn how to organize the struggle. Right about now you may be thinking to yourself, “This sounds crazy.” However, it is true. As a single mom the juggle is just part of the game. It comes with the territory. It’s part of the contract. You may be thinking, “I never signed a contract to be raising children alone.” It’s ok. Neither did I. Part of the contract is your commitment to your family to have a vision for them and do your best to position them to walk it out. Ok going back to the solutions.


Structure

The biggest revelation to the juggling act is structure. There has to be some type of structure in place. Having structure or a system saves you time. Having structure in the home also conveys a sense of security. It gives children a knowing of what is expected. As a parent, you will know what works best for you and yours. If you feel you need additional help, look for those around you, within your community and online for resources which will help you in that area.


The Power to Say No

Don’t keep adding ‘too dos’ to your to do list.
Don't keep adding more events to the mix. Stop it!
It is not your responsibility to be all things to all people. You are one person. Your children need you. You need you. Of course there will be some invitations you will accept and some things which need to be done for yourself as well as others. All I am saying is to choose wisely. Choose those things which will add to where you see you and your family in the future. That may be as simple as envisioning your children graduating high school with more options.


Know Your Season

There are somethings in life, as I said earlier, that just comes with the circumstance you are in. As a single mom there was a season I washed and ironed all the clothes. There was a season I cooked all the meals in the home. There was a season I did all the driving. There was a season I had to attend all the open houses at the schools. This brings me to the point of knowing what season you are in. Are you in the infant season? Are you in the toddler season? Are you in the elementary school season? Are you in the middle school season? Are you in the high school season? Are you in the college season? What season of single parenthood are you in. This will determine how you prioritize things even within your current season.

In summary, establishing structure, learning to say no and knowing your season will enable you to juggle what’s most important at the time. It will allow you to accomplish what needs to be accomplished on a day to day basis toward your long term goals.

Are "Situationships" A Distraction?

Sarah Machan of StudyBreaks.com wrote an article, “Situationships are the New Normal Amongst Millennials.” She talks about the effects of being in a Situationship. There is no intimacy therefore you can still feel lonely. It is hard for you to make a decision to leave due to not even being sure of exactly what you’re leaving. There is no clarity of the direction of the relationship because you are not sure if it is even a relationship. You also walk around with unresolved feelings due to never seriously addressing your needs.  

Many phrases come to mind when we think of the word Situationships. Some are super casual meetups, no label relationships, and don’t ask-don’t tell.

Whatever you call it basically it is the same. It is a no commitment, no sweat, no future dating situation. 

 Samantha Burns the author of “Breaking & Bouncing Back,” describes it this way, “It’s like you’re playing house by pretending you’re in a relationship, but with no real consistency, dependency or reliability.”  Remember when you played house as a child. I repeat as a child. This would imply to me adults would be off-limits for something like this, right. Well, the rules have changed. There are those who would like to have no real commitment of any kind and this is why Situationships exist.

Lets’ take a look at the origin of dating and fast forward it to modern times. The origin dates back to 1896. The author of “Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating”, (Farrar, Straus, and Giroux) Moira Weigel suggests women played the most significant role in the upspring of what we now call dating. Weigel goes on to say dating began in the early 1900s. Police were sent out to investigate the dealings of women who set out to meet men in selective cities in the US.                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

The term ‘dating’ was first used in a newspaper column about a young columnist named George Ade, who complained about his girlfriend seeing other people. He was concerned the other men were filling up all his dates on the calendar. 

Women had become more independent and no longer dependent on the men in their life. This lead to the era of courtships. I do not mean to be long-winded but simply wanted to bring some insight to large the gap is from the inception of dating till now. 

So fast forward and now we are in Situationships. Don’t know if you may be in one? Let me help you. According to Anna Medaris Miller, if you are in one you should be trying to get ‘TF’ out of it. I would like to think she means ‘The Freak’ out of it for the sake of this article.  She writes in Women’s Health Magazine online an article ‘9 Signs You’re In A ‘Situationship’–And How To Get TF Out Of It’.

The nine ways to identify a Situationship is you only make short term or last-minute plans. The relationship is inconsistent. The other party always have vague excuses because remember you are not boyfriend or girlfriend status. You are not even the side piece. You mostly have small talk and surface talk, never going deeper. You steer far away from talking about the future because remember there is no future to talk about. The other party tells you they do not want to take the relationship to the next level. They consistently show you they do not want to take the relationship seriously. You feel anxious because of the uncertainty of the relationship. You feel bored with the situation because there is nothing stimulating about it. 

Ok, listing out all the problems is no good if solutions are not offered. So, here are some solutions. How do you get out?

You are going to have to put your feelings first. You will need to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “What do I really want out of a relationship.” You are going to have to set boundaries. You are going to have to ask them the hard questions like, where do you see this relationship going? Like, what are you looking for in a relationship? Let them know what you will and will not accept going forward. You are going to have to become unavailable for last-minute hookups. 

To change your Situationship, you will need to change you. This is the hard part that no one wants to hear. Now if you are reading this and like being in one then that is another blog for another time. 

"Daddy Issues" Hype or Reality

"Daddy issues" is an informal phrase for the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one’s father, often manifesting in a distrust of or sexual desire for, men who act as father figures.


Recently, the death of basketball great, Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi and seven others, has magnified relationships between girls and their dads.

It has ignited a movement, a hashtag going around, #girldad, which has captured the hearts of many.

Dads all over the world are posting pictures of them and their daughters.
In a world of “girl power” and “the future is female’, this just furthers the notion, there is something special which happens when a girl and her father bond.

However, today I am not writing about dads who are active in their children’s lives. Rather, I am talking about girls who do not grow up with their fathers or who have an estranged relationship with them issues with dads are real.


Some may find the term “daddy issues” an offensive term but the truth is, it is not meant to be. It is simple a brilliant way in saying your relationship with your dad or lack of it, affects your interactions with other people and situations.

In order to explain the “why” in any given circumstance, we must take an in depth look at the origins of it. For example, take the recent outbreak of Coronavirus in China and other countries. It has left the medical experts asking the question why and how this happened.

 To answer the question why, they have begun to backtrack the steps of those who have been affected.

This is the same thing that is been played out when we begin to examine what it means to have “daddy issues”. When we begin to look deep into the past of women and girls who do not have a strong father and daughter bond.

What are some of the signs someone may have daddy issues?

 Let’s look at them.



Trust

One of the signs is having an issue with trust. You may feel as if you are going to always experience what you have in the past. On the flip side, you may fear the new experience that is before you. If you never knew your father as I never have, you may have been left to feel a lack of affirmation in certain areas which may have caused a disconnect when it came to be able to trust.

Some of you had a close relationship with your father but may have experienced other issues due to it being strained. So, it is not just that you may have not known your father, but it could also be the fact that the relationship is dysfunctional in ways for whatever reason.



Older Is Better

There are some women who are attracted to older men not only for security purposes but because they are wanting a father figure in their lives. We are constantly told women are attracted to security and for the most part this is true. However, if this need is due to the need of a women’s endless desire for affirmation, then a “daddy issue” could be at play.



Can’t Be Alone

For some women being alone is not an option. They are constantly on the hunt for the new guy or the new relationship. It is like a constant roller coaster. In and out of relationships trying to get the affirmations and approval which was not given by their father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner. We all do for the most part. However, when you make that your purpose in life then ‘Houston we have a problem’. Here is why you may find yourself in a dead-end relationship which is not going anywhere.



Insecurity

Have you ever let your emotions get the best of you? Have you ever had a good guy and you treated him like the bad one you have had? Are you smothering your mate? If so then it is possible you have “daddy issues”. It is better to know and be aware of them so that you can properly deal with them.

Being aware will only make you a better person who is able to build better relationships.

Keep in mind every woman and girl who have not had a close or healthy bond with their father is in this category.  Self-examine your actions and relationship interactions. Look at your relationship patterns and this will help you assess whether or not you may have unresolved "daddy issues".